Nadine was a lovable little girl.  At four years old, she was pretty, and chatty  with long, silky brown hair and big brown eyes.

Saul was Nadine's first cousin.  At eighteen, most boys would be going out with girls their own age, but Saul was different.  He had no friends and readily volunteered to baby-sit. Nadine's parents were busy, sociable people whose other children had grown and flown. Any offer of childcare was gratefully accepted.

It started as a game of "boy and girlfriend". Nadine enjoyed the attention and the presents, but later the presents were offered in return for favours.  "Lie down there", "touch me here", "Let me touch you there", "Take your clothes off ." When Nadine was three or four, her grandparents had a big party for a landmark anniversary.  Nadine wore a beautiful designer dress, with layered petticoats.   The next day the stains and the smell hung over the dress. She refused to wear it again.

Saul had studied hypnosis and used it at every opportunity.  He would tell Nadine she was hypnotised and in his power. He then convinced her that something terrible would happen if she ever told anyone.

What began as games soon progressed to painful and invasive intrusions into her body.  His body seemed so large and hers so small. Nadine learned to focus her attention elsewhere.  She would imagine she was a fly on the ceiling . and with practice she managed to filter out the pain, but not the fear. Before long she was afraid of everything and everybody.

The stains and stickiness in her hair and on her clothes served as reminders long afterwards, leaving her fearful of the next time.

Next time . next time . There was always a next time.

One Sunday when Nadine was about ten or eleven, Saul offered to take her to the fun-fair. How Nadine loved fairs!  The faster the rollercoaster, the greater her joy.  Why then, her parents wondered, did she simply refuse to go with Saul?  No amount of persuasion would pacify her.  In the end the coaxing was too much and suddenly, with the tears, the words spilled out.

Nadine's father had a word with Saul's father.  The abuse stopped, disappearing into the dust of history, unresolved and unspoken. 

Every morning Nadine woke with an inexplicable terror that something terrible was bound to happen today.

Nadine somehow lost the ability to relate to children of her own age.  When they talked about boys she felt dirty and different.  She was left alone much of the time.  Her parents were both vivacious and outgoing people, who encouraged her to socialise.  They treated her fear of people as a personality defect and tried to stamp it out by pushing her into uncomfortable social situations.

Transformed from spoilt princess to excruciatingly unhappy teenager, the memories became too intense until they eventually filtered out and faded.

Nadine tugged at her beautiful, shiny black hair, pulling it out strand by precious strand.  The world was her enemy and by looking so different, by having no hair, she could effectively disassociate herself from the humanity she hated. This emotional pain was worse than any physical pain she had ever known. Pulling her hair out worked for Nadine.  It gave her no time to remember the past.  Pulling hair out stopped her from feeling, relieving emotional pain by causing sensation elsewhere.

There's someone for everyone.  The classic teenage dream.  All around her people were pairing off.  Nadine needed to be accepted and understood.  Love was her dream and everyone else's reality.  "You'll never meet anyone who'll put up with you", they told her, and she believed them.  Oh, how she believed them!

She was not worthy of love.  Everybody confirmed it.  Everywhere she went there were couples holding hands, couples kissing, couples sharing their troubles.  Everywhere she went, people were rubbing salt into her wounds.

When she was eighteen, Nadine couldn't wait to leave home.  The house needed re-wiring, there was no heating, there was no furniture, but it was hers, and it felt more like home than anywhere she had ever been.

The electricians spent most of the day flirting with Nadine; she didn't see it as a threat - just a little harmless fun.  She felt happy and, more than that, she felt free.  For once she could afford to be friendly.

When the workmen left, Nadine prepared to spend her first night alone in her new house.  The sense of freedom was euphoric.  This was the beginning of her new life. 

When the electrician returned, Nadine thought he must have left something behind. They chatted for a while, until Nadine suddenly felt tired and moved towards the door.

With no effort at all he lifted her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs.  She yelled out in shock. 

"Oh yes."  He said.  "I know I can make you scream." 

She called out for help, but there was no-one to hear her.

"Please put me down."  As she struggled, he tightened his grip.

The man was over six feet tall and thickly set.  Screaming and fighting were futile.  An enraged giant would be even more terrifying than a lustful one. 

They reached the top of the stairs.  "Don't try and tell me you're a virgin", he spat scornfully. 

Did it show that much?

He placed his hand over one of her large breasts and squeezed.

"Let me go.  Stop it!"

The man was laughing.  "You know you want it." 

He scooped her up again effortlessly and carried her to the bedroom.  Nadine was petrified of this man-monster.  She was afraid of sex itself, let alone violence.

Her sobs did not deter him.  Her kicks had no effect.  His pants were off in seconds, his weapon threatening.

She tried, as he stepped out of his underwear, to kick him in that all powerful point.  He just grew more aroused, pushing her to the ground and forcing her legs down.  His hand shot up her skirt and ripped off her underwear like it was paper. 

She closed her eyes in silent submission.  There was nothing she could do to stop this from happening .. and yet . as the man attempted to enter her, her body took over.  Her internal muscles seized up like a clamp, refusing to allow him entry.  She was terrified, but her body bravely resisted.

The man hammered away, getting angrier by the moment.  "Stop fighting me.  Let me get on with it.  Just let me do it and I'll leave you alone."

Alone.

The word rang in her ears, through her mind and even this was preferable.

"Just relax."  He said, bizarrely unaware how preposterous his instruction was.

"I can't relax.  It hurts.  It's RAPE!"  Her use of the word hurt her more than him.  She thought she was going to be physically sick.

"Okay, breathe out heavily.  I'm going to ram it in."  He forced his way inside her, sending pain searing through her like an interminable injection of evil.

Spent, he lay heavily on her. She barely noticed his weight.  There was a more intense pain.  As he had entered her, in a sudden rush, she had remembered her cousin and the games he'd played when she was small. 

It all came flooding back. The guilt and fear finally surfaced with tidal ferocity.  She could neither move nor utter a sound. 

The sobbing started moments before she felt something dripping on her breast.  Her sadness was too intense for tears. It was him.  At last, emotion!  Something she could deal with.

"What have I done?"  He cried.  "What on earth have I done?"  Over and over, the same words.  Her body pulsated in pain, yet she found herself pitying the person who had done this to her. 

"It's okay"  She told him.  "Please, just get dressed and go home."

He pulled himself up, heavy with guilt, tried to look at her but quickly turned away to dress his shrivelled shame.

"Don't tell anyone about this.  It'll finish me.  My wife's just had a baby.  It's just six weeks old.  Please. I'll never come near you again, I promise."

"Yes.  Okay.  Just go."

He walked to the door.  "Promise me you won't tell .."

Anything.  Just go.  Get out of my house, damn you.
"I won't tell a soul.  Go home to your baby."

She pointed to the door and he left like a lamb.

Alone, she couldn't cry but sat and scrubbed herself in a cold bath, her body and mind now immune to pain. 

Why blame the electrician?  It was her fault, for sure.  There was something about her which made men do this. Somehow she had turned an innocent man into a rapist.

She knew she was not pregnant.  God would not let her be pregnant.  He knew she was not worthy of parenthood.  She just wished she would die.  She hated herself more as each day went by and more hair tumbled to the carpet.  It must have been her fault.

Nadine sought out punishment in promiscuity.  She slept with any man who showed an interest, mistaking an erection for approval and kidding herself she was looking for love.  She found instead self-degradation and despair.   

Sadly, when she met a man who really did care for her, she treated him badly and pushed him away.  She was unable to accept the one thing she truly craved : Love.

She pulled out her hair even more than before.  Men were attracted to her naturally large breasts.  A bald head kept them at bay.  She put on weight so that no man could ever push her around or carry her about again.  Pretty soon her promiscuity was laid to rest but not before she fell pregnant.  She was nineteen. 

It doesn't work for everyone but for her, pregnancy instantly spelled salvation.  When she looked into the new-born eyes of her baby girl, she found a love which even she could not reject.  This child must be protected and nurtured.  For the sake of her daughter, Nadine was determined to end her self-sabotage.

Knowing all too well the power of hypnosis, she found a hypnotherapist who speedily pulled her out of her patterns of self-abuse.  So amazed was she at the speed of her recovery, that she trained herself as a hypnotherapist and began to help others to heal themselves.

For years Nadine thought the rape was such a small issue in her life that she was able not to confront it.  She couldn't fathom why some rape victims became so absorbed in pain.   It was not until she began to write a book on the subject of child sex abuse (An Injection of Evil : The Antidote, www.neovision.freeserve.co.uk/2.htm) that she felt the pain.  She now knows that the childhood abuse had broken down her self-respect allowing her to accept the rape as punishment.

Some twenty years later, Nadine has found healing and forgiveness and helps others to do the same.  She is in a stable, loving relationship. Her daughter is studious and self-assured. Hypnosis cured the hair pulling for a few years, but it trickled back over the years.  Nowadays Nadine recognises it for the disorder it is.  She studied metaphysics and understands the impact of her every action, so that now she can keep her pull free status, because if she coped with all her history, she can cope with anything life brings.  Nadine has been pull free for almost two years.

It was a long hard journey to wholeness and there are always obstacles to overcome, but Nadine wakes in the morning knowing that "something terrible" is behind her and won't ever be coming back.

Nadine has since founded of what is believed to be the most successful treatment for trichotillomania, Trichnotherapy.